I know, I know, I know, I haven't posted anything new in ages. I guess my only excuse is that I've felt really boring lately. Well boring isn't the right word. But who really wants to hear about Trav's layoff, going to work for another company for 3 weeks and then going back to his old job? Or Gideon's potty training ups and downs? Or the starter going out on my car? Or Parker's frequent trips to the Dr. for breathing issues? Or my running? That's the kind of stuff we've been doing lately. Same stuff as always I guess.
This isn't so much an update on us. It's more just midnight musings about something that's been increasingly on my mind. I don't know why it seems to happen so much lately, but people keep asking us if we're going to try and adopt another baby. I don't really mind the question, it's not like it offends us or anything. It's just that I feel like they're probably disappointed with our answer. Because the short version is: No. We're Done.
Keep reading for the long answer.
I think most of my siblings plan on having at least 3 children (many of them more than that) so while they still have babies in their future, I've been dividing up all of my baby stuff among them as soon as Parker outgrows it. I may not be the first in my family to have children (not by a long way) but I'm the first to be officially done having kids. See ever since I was very young (like Jr. High) I really felt very strongly that I'd only have two children. Being the oldest of such a large family, I think that most people just assume that you're great with kids and you're going to have a lot of your own. It's not so much that I didn't want children, I just felt that I wouldn't have very many. I was a little embarrassed and felt almost selfish for feeling that way, so when people would ask I'd usually say, "Well I guess I'll start with two and see how it goes from there." When Travis confided that he only ever wanted two children I felt validated for the first time in my entire life.
No one could have predicted what the future held for us, but after the devastation of infertility nearly wrecked us, we were somehow blessed with the two most amazing kids on earth. I don't think it's something you can understand unless you've been through an adoption but most days I sort of forget they're adopted. I mean they're just my kids. I'm not afraid to talk about adoption, we don't keep it hidden. We're open and honest about it with everyone. But with every fibre of my being I know that these two children were meant to be mine. So it doesn't matter how they got here. Adoption is an amazing and special journey and I feel very blessed to have been a part of it. But that's a different post for another day.
From the moment Gideon was placed in my arms by his sweet birth mom I knew he was meant to be mine. We felt so blessed and whole as a family, that as he grew, Travis and I were hesitant to begin the adoption process again. We felt strongly there was another child for us, but we were both afraid. The adoption process is kind of a gamble sometimes. You worry constantly if you'll be chosen again. You worry that it won't go smoothly. You worry that you love your child so much you won't have room in your heart for another one. You worry and you stress and you worry about oh so many things I won't go into right now.
On March 18, 2010, we got that famous phone call that changed everything. From the moment we found out Gideon's birth mom was expecting again and wanted us to adopt the baby I knew two things for certain. 1. This baby was going to be a girl 2. This would be the baby to complete our family.
Almost as soon as we brought Parker home, people began asking if this was it for us, or if we were going to try for more kids. For months I just said, "I don't know. We'll see." Immediately after finalizing her adoption, our lawyer even asked if we would be open to another adoption in the future, in case he came across any situation in his line of work that he might feel was right for us. Standing in the courtroom I felt overwhelmed by the question and kind of stammered out "Well.....I guess if something comes up....call us....we'll have to see what happens...."
As we drove home that day Travis said, "You weren't serious about that were you? I mean you don't really want another baby do you?" Truthfully I didn't, but to that point, I was a little afraid to admit to people that we were in fact DONE.
But I'm finally to a point where I can just admit outloud what I've known forever, this is it for us. This is our family. And I can honestly say I've never felt more complete in my life than I have the past 17 months.
So when people ask if we're going to try and adopt again my answer is pretty clear, "No we're not going to try for another one. We're very blessed and feel like we have the family we're supposed to have." For most people it doesn't stop there. Typically the next question is, "Well what if someone contacts you? And wants you to adopt a baby?" I have an answer for that one too. It's along the lines of "I know at least a dozen amazing couples trying to build their families through adoption, let me give you some information." Because honestly that's how I feel.
It's a little bittersweet sometimes, I'll admit. Even though I know this is my family and I wouldn't change it for anything, sometimes I do get a little wistful knowing that there are no more babies out there for me. As they grow I'm sure I'll have a few moments of sadness when I realize I won't ever relive this phase of life with other children. I guess in some ways it makes me grateful for all of the little moments and milestones in my kids' lives, because this is it for me. One boy. One girl. It's the perfect family I always dreamed of. Done.