As I sit here tonight, two weeks away from the due date of our baby girl, I find myself increasingly restless. I don't know what it's like to go through the stages of a normal pregnancy, but I've heard of things like "nesting." I can't say I'm really feeling that right now, although I have started to try and get my house cleaned up and keep it clean (not an easy task with a very active 2 year old running around, but I'm making the effort anyway.)
With Travis far away, basketball season two months off and my normal distractions (running, reading, watching old movies) not really working, I find myself worrying more and more each day about weather I'm ready for this upcoming challenge. I'm not talking about having a new baby. I feel fairly confident that I can handle that part even with an active toddler. I mean lots of women before me have done it, so I'm pretty sure I'm not less capable than they are. No, what I'm worried about is the emotional challenge.
You see I love B. I adore her. I think she's one of the strongest, most beautiful and definitely most capable women I've ever met. As I've gotten to know her better over the last two years, my admiration for her talents and abilities and wonderful spirit have only grown. So for that reason I kind of dread the day that's fast approaching.
March 30, 2008 was both the best and worst day of my life. On the one hand, we got to bring home this perfect baby boy. Something we'd prayed for and hoped for more than you can imagine. This wonderful gift we'd been given by a loving Heavenly Father and a selfless young woman. And it was because of that young woman that it was also the most difficult thing I've ever done. To see her in so much pain, spiritually and emotionally speaking was heart wrenching. To know that our opportunity to become a family and our eternal happiness was the cause of so much heart break for another family is something that I don't even have words to describe. To know that this child belongs with you and your family, but you have to take him from another woman's arms is something you just can't understand until you've experienced it.
Back then B. was simply a sweet girl who was making the ultimate sacrifice. We loved she and her family for their selflessness and willingness to do what was really the hardest thing anyone can ever be asked to do. And please understand, it wasn't just B. who made this sacrifice. Her parents, sisters, nieces and nephews were all affected by her decision to place Gideon with us. And in that room on that day, every one of them who was present shed many tears as they had to say goodbye to that perfect baby boy.
I cried too. More than I've ever cried in my entire life. I felt like a sponge who'd been wrung completely dry and still the tears kept coming. My joy. Their pain. It was all one major emotional melt down. And yet somehow I had to try and be the strong one.
And before the end of the month I'll have to do it all over again. Only this time, could be much, much worse. Have you ever, either with a careless remark, thoughtless gesture, or even in a moment of anger, hurt someone you love? For me, it's the worst feeling in the entire world. To know that I caused someone I care about to hurt or feel bad or even cry. And yet that's exactly what I have to do in a couple of weeks. I have to hurt someone I love. B. and her family aren't just a bunch of sweet people to us anymore. They're special. We've spent time with them, we've exchanged letters and pictures. We've gotten to know them. It was hard back when they were just acquaintances, to take this baby and walk away, seeing all of them hurting so badly. But now they're friends.
I don't know exactly how things will play out on that day. There's very little about the adoption process that you can count on for sure. But two things I know without a doubt. 1. This child is meant for us. I've known since the moment we learned about B.'s pregnancy that this was my daughter (in my mind there was never a question of the gender, I knew we were getting a girl.) This is the child who will make our family complete. And 2. I have to hurt people I love very much in order to get my baby girl.