Thursday, February 4, 2010

My Human Nature is showing again!


So here's the thing, I want to be Super Woman. I really do. I want to be that woman who keeps a spotless house despite having a crazy toddler, to be the one who runs five miles in rain, sleet, snow or wind. I want handle every stressful or tense situation if not with a smile, at least with a level head and calm demeanor knowing that I can handle it. I want to be compassionate without being condescending. I want to be helpful to my neighbors. I want to be supportive to my family. I want to be well read and objective about politics, religion, science and other hot topics of the day. I want to look as hot in a bathing suit as I do in jeans & a t-shirt. And I definitely don't want to look my age! I want to be the friend who always has an ear to listen, advice only when it's asked for and a shoulder to cry on. In short I want to be beautiful, strong, smart & powerful and to handle everything with grace, dignity and perfect timing.
The reality of course, is that I'm not Super Woman. My house is almost always cluttered, the dishes and laundry don't get done as often as they should. I do run a lot, but it's not a graceful or powerful woman gliding across the landscape. It's a huffing and puffing woman buried under about 5 layers of sweat soaked clothes plodding her way through ice, snow & wind. When I get stressed or tense, I run more, eat less & still can't seem to lose enough weight to feel confident in a bathing suit. (Although I've lost a lot lately, I could still stand to lose about another 20 pounds!) I don't read as much as I should, spend more time at home alone and not out with friends and when life gets tough, instead of powering through it with grace & dignity, I sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself and complain on my blog and facebook. I'm weak, erring, selfish, jealous & petty.
Which brings me to today. I've been so greatly blessed. I have an amazing family. I've been blessed with the world's most wonderful baby boy. I honestly don't know what I ever did without him. And yet as my sweet little sister lies in the hospital laboring to bring a child into this world, I'm overcome by sadness and a hurt feeling of "why can't that be me?" Don't get me wrong, I'm sooooo happy for her. I love all of my nieces and nephews so much and I absolutely live to spoil them! I can't wait until we get out there next week so I can see them all and snuggle this new baby. Shiloh and Cami are the best moms in the entire world. (They're better with multiple children than I am with my one.) So why am I feeling sad and jealous? I don't know! I know I shouldn't. I know I've been blessed beyond what I deserve already! I know it's stupid to feel this way! I know it makes me a horrible person! But I don't know how to stop it!

6 comments:

Darryl and Cindy Cunningham said...

I don't think you can stop it, at least not right now, but you can pray for strength to handle it gracefully. God knows you, he knows Travis and Gideon, and he knows what you really need in this life. Even if it is not what you really want. Trust him with your heart tonight. I love you sweetie.

Cassi : ) said...

We may not know why our lives take shape the way they do, but trusting that He knows why is the only thing we can be sure of sometimes. And being jealous doesn't make you horrible person, it makes you human - being able to admit it and put it on the back burner makes you a great person!

Mike and Ashley said...

That in NO way makes you a horrible person! You are blessed, but I still think it's okay to feel a longing for something like having a baby. It takes a strong, wonder-woman type person to admit their shortcomings and move forward, still recognizing their blessings. Lots of love!!!

The Buthman Family said...

Cali,

We attended adoption classes together when you first decided to adopt. We had alot of fun in that class and we shared some tears. I don't think the hurt will ever go away it just gets smaller. I think Heavenly Father knew there was children that would need eternal homes. So he picked a few select individuals to be parents to these precious little ones.
I think sometimes it would be nice to feel that baby kicking or even to be the one throwing up.
I have to remember that I spent many many nights in tears and prayer in order to have the children that I have now (both through domestic adoption and foster to adopt). It is the same pain!!!

Just know that you are loved!

Gwen

Ron and Jessica said...

It would be nice if this trial ever got easier and if those feelings went away completely. We know it won't. BUT we will get better at dealing with it and at letting our Friend take our burdens upon Him.
P.S. Be sure to remind me of this when my turn comes to struggle with it.

Lombardo Family said...

You're super woman in my book. Anyone that can be as honest about life's unfair circumstances is wonder woman to me!