So here's the thing, I want to be Super Woman. I really do. I want to be that woman who keeps a spotless house despite having a crazy toddler, to be the one who runs five miles in rain, sleet, snow or wind. I want handle every stressful or tense situation if not with a smile, at least with a level head and calm demeanor knowing that I can handle it. I want to be compassionate without being condescending. I want to be helpful to my neighbors. I want to be supportive to my family. I want to be well read and objective about politics, religion, science and other hot topics of the day. I want to look as hot in a bathing suit as I do in jeans & a t-shirt. And I definitely don't want to look my age! I want to be the friend who always has an ear to listen, advice only when it's asked for and a shoulder to cry on. In short I want to be beautiful, strong, smart & powerful and to handle everything with grace, dignity and perfect timing.
The reality of course, is that I'm not Super Woman. My house is almost always cluttered, the dishes and laundry don't get done as often as they should. I do run a lot, but it's not a graceful or powerful woman gliding across the landscape. It's a huffing and puffing woman buried under about 5 layers of sweat soaked clothes plodding her way through ice, snow & wind. When I get stressed or tense, I run more, eat less & still can't seem to lose enough weight to feel confident in a bathing suit. (Although I've lost a lot lately, I could still stand to lose about another 20 pounds!) I don't read as much as I should, spend more time at home alone and not out with friends and when life gets tough, instead of powering through it with grace & dignity, I sit down and cry and feel sorry for myself and complain on my blog and facebook. I'm weak, erring, selfish, jealous & petty.
Which brings me to today. I've been so greatly blessed. I have an amazing family. I've been blessed with the world's most wonderful baby boy. I honestly don't know what I ever did without him. And yet as my sweet little sister lies in the hospital laboring to bring a child into this world, I'm overcome by sadness and a hurt feeling of "why can't that be me?" Don't get me wrong, I'm sooooo happy for her. I love all of my nieces and nephews so much and I absolutely live to spoil them! I can't wait until we get out there next week so I can see them all and snuggle this new baby. Shiloh and Cami are the best moms in the entire world. (They're better with multiple children than I am with my one.) So why am I feeling sad and jealous? I don't know! I know I shouldn't. I know I've been blessed beyond what I deserve already! I know it's stupid to feel this way! I know it makes me a horrible person! But I don't know how to stop it!