Monday, September 19, 2011

How Does it Feel?

You know every year on my birthday at least one person asks me "So how does it feel?" I'm never really sure how to answer that question since frankly I've felt exactly the same since I was about 23. I mean sure, I hope that with age I've gained a little bit of maturity and patience and wisdom, but as far as personality and all that goes, I've not felt any difference at all for more than a decade now.

The truth is though, this year with my birthday approaching, I do feel a little different. Not as far as personality or anything like that. I'm still the same high strung, slightly hyper, overly motivated, borderline OCD girl I've always been. The real difference is the fact that tomorrow is not just another birthday for me, but it's my baby girl's birthday as well. Her first birthday. I don't know why it makes me sad that she's growing up. I love that she's walking and saying words and doing cute things now. But still it's sad because I know I'll never have another baby again.

I've always known that I wanted two children. I feel so blessed to have been given the most perfect son and daughter in the world. I really couldn't ask for anything more. Ever since Parker came home with us a year ago we've felt very complete as a family. We're not going to apply for another adoption. There are a variety of reasons, but mostly because we do feel like this is the family Heavenly Father meant for us to have. I don't pretend to know the future or to have any idea what the Lord has in store for us. But I do feel very strongly that we won't have any more babies. (No, I'm not shutting down the possibility that there may be other miracles but for now, we feel like this is it.) For that reason as Parker outgrows the baby stuff I've been donating it or giving it away. It makes me feel good to get rid of all of it and at the same time it adds to the sadness about my baby growing up.

Maybe it's just because I've had two sisters give birth in the last 3 days and two more still expecting. But it's suddenly hitting me all the things I've missed out on. I can reconcile that pretty easily, I may not have carried or delivered my children myself, but I had the opportunity to participate in their adoptions which is something so special that so few people get to experience firsthand. So even though I'll never get to have those experiences, I don't really mind. But it's a little harder to deal with the idea that I won't get to raise any more babies. I know my kids are still young but they're not babies anymore. I officially have a preschooler & a toddler. Between the teething and the potty training some days I wish we were past this stage of life already, but the truth is I know when they head off to school and don't need me as much anymore, I'll pine for the simpler days we're living right now.

And I guess that when the desire to rock a baby becomes too overwhelming, at least now I have a brand new niece just a few minutes away!

The birthday girls! Hard to believe it's been a year already!


Ryan and Skye Lowry said...

I love you Cali! Happy Birthday to you and Parker Poo!

Mollie said...

I know exactly how you feel! I'd like more, but the answers to my prayers are that we are done. Our family is complete. And I'm fine with that~ happy and content!