Is This a Test?

Because if it is I must be failing miserably!

So I ran all winter long, snow, ice, frigid temperatures, wind and the whole deal. I slogged through miles and miles both outdoors and on the treadmill just hoping that one day I'd be able to complete a race in a decent time.

I tried in Myrtle Beach. But they cancelled the race, so although I ran it was kind of a hollow victory. I was glad I'd already registered to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon on March 7th, because at least that gave me something to keep working for and look foward to. (Plus, bonus, I get a trip to FLORIDA!)

Back in Myrtle Beach I finally had that moment. It was about mile 7. Well, somewhere between miles 7 & 11 when I just felt on fire. It was amazing. I could feel my body working, doing the job it's supposed to do, all the parts working together to keep propelling me forward. My head was clear, my eyes were focused and I felt awesome. I remember thinking as I ran past all the people chilling out on Ocean Blvd. that this must be why people keep running. I won't call it a runner's high, but it was awesome. I felt powerful and quick and although I'd been running so long I was clearly sweating and red-faced, I felt beautiful and strong. It was truly incredible. I wanted to keep running forever. That's the moment I really made up my mind to be a runner for life.

And then came that moment in the last mile. That moment I felt pain in my knee and down my calf. I kept pushing, moving forward, sure I could finish. And of course I did. And I haven't been able to walk correctly since. I've been to two different doctors. I've heard several different possible explanations for the burning pain in my knee. Right now it could be tendonitis or stress fractures.

But I was certain it would get better. Ice, elevate, rest, I was doing everything right. I haven't run since MB. But it's just not improving. And today the dream came crashing down. The doctor gave me a choice actually. Don't run for a month and give it time to properly heal. OR run in 10 days and run the risk of further injury and not running anymore ever. I'll be honest with you, I was crying when I chose the former option. So no race at Disney World next weekend. No tiara on my head or crown shaped finisher's medal. No feeling of victory that I actually, finally accomplished a race. We'll still go to Disney that weekend, afterall, the tickets have already been purchased and Gideon and Lily are entered in the kid's races. But I'll feel a pang seeing all the other runners. Knowing that should be me.

Dr. said today that I could still bike and swim and do other activities that aren't putting so much pressure directly on that joint. But no running for a month. With any luck I'll be back in time for the SLC Marathon April 17th. But that time who knows if I'll be able to run at all given that I'll be out of shape.

So is this a test? And if so why am I being tested and what am I supposed to learn? That I'm not supposed to be a runner? I refuse to buy into the B.S. dumped on me by some people in my life who are now insisting that "we told you all along running is bad for you." I want to run if only to get back to that place internally that I finally accessed along Ocean Blvd. in Myrtle Beach. That place where I felt truly strong, beautiful and powerful, even if it was only for a few miles.