Insomnia, Matthew 11 & a Name

I don't like to get preachy and I hate that my blog seems like a diary these days. But it's very late, and I can't sleep. And I seem to have no other outlet for my emotions right now. I find myself sharing things lately that I'd never intended to share with so many people. And yet I know somehow that sharing is probably the only thing that will free my mind and finally allow me to get some rest.

I learned something today that I'm sure most of you have known for years. Apparently I'm just a little slow. Matthew 11:28-30 is a passage of scripture that I'm sure most of us are very familiar with. And today I have a much greater appreciation for it than I ever thought I would. It reads:

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

Have you ever noticed (and I'm sure you all have, I'm just a little slow) that when we pray to the Lord for His help to ease our burden that He doesn't actually change our situation. In my experience He's never changed my circumstances. What He has done instead is to bless me with the strength to bear my burdens. Thus, I feel them less which makes my load seem lighter.

That realization has changed how I read this scripture. Now as I read this passage I see that what the Lord is offering to us here is an opportunity to share His strength. He's willing to help us carry our burdens and to bless us with the power that we need so that our load seems easier to bear.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all and I don't feel like I explained it very well, but it's something that is making my heart very full tonight. I'll explain why in a minute, but first for those who are interested there's an excellent Devotional from January of 2002 by David A. Bednar entitled "In the strength of the Lord." He discusses this very principal which he calls the "Enabling Powers of the Atonement." I recommend it to anyone because it's not very long (like six pages I think) but he brings up some good points including the one that went off like a light bulb for me today. That the Lord won't necessarily remove our burdens, but instead offers us the strength to bear them.

So I'm sure you're not asking yourselves what got me started on this today, but since it's me, you should know I'm going to tell you anyway. A few of you have already heard this. Or parts of it. I'm sorry for the repeat but please bear with me. Since our meeting last week with the birth mom I feel that I've been handling the feeling of being in "limbo" fairly well. I attribute that at least partly to the fact that we've had family in town and thus have been blessed with distractions. But Monday as the last of my distractions returned to the warmer climate of the south east, I found myself realizing a few things.

Chief among these realizations was that I had started internally to refer to this unborn baby boy by a specific name. That for most of the weekend in fact, I hadn't thought of him as "baby boy" but by his name. What was surprising to me was that it wasn't the name Travis and I had been discussing. (Although it was on our list of "possible" names.) And yet I felt that this was the name this little boy should have were he to be placed in our home. When we had met with the birth mother last Wednesday she had asked us if we'd thought of any names. We told her that we had a few names we really liked, but had always thought we would wait until the child was born to see what name would best suit him. So I was quite surprised to find that I was suddenly very sure that he was to have this particular name. (Just to kill the suspense, I'm not going to give away the name in this post. Not because I'm keeping it secret, some of you already know it and you're welcome to share it if you feel so inclined. But because the particular name is not important to the overall story that I'm trying to communicate here.) Monday night as I spoke to Travis on the phone I also realized that being in "limbo" was starting to wear on me a little bit. The distractions of the weekend had allowed me to focus on other things, but now that they were gone, I had little else to dwell on and I realized that I was exhausted from spending each day waiting and wondering.

After I cried my eyes out to my dear husband (who did his best to console me, but his own feelings are as tender as mine about this) I turned to the only other option I could think of. I asked the Lord in my prayer that night if He would bless me with peace. The answer I recieved surprised me. I didn't sleep that night. I spent most of it lying awake thinking about the name of this little boy and feeling absolutely certain that this is what he should be called. As I turned this over in my head, I realized that this was the Lord's way of answering my prayer. He was letting me know that this little boy belonged in our home. I honestly don't think He'd have blessed me to know this child's name if he weren't meant to come to our family.

Despite the lack of sleep, I woke on Tuesday feeling calm and comforted. I knew that the Lord wanted us to have this child. He hadn't changed my situation. He'd simply blessed me with the ability to bear it. Even though the dear birth mother still has the choice of what to do in this situation, it helped me to know that Heavenly Father was cognizant of my feelings and our situation.

My human nature, being just what it is, I called my mother to tell her about my recent discovery of the child's name and the realization of the Lord's blessing that it had brought with it. She surprised me by knowing the name before I even told her. (Probably a bad thing that I was driving at the time. I think I stopped breathing and almost wrecked the car on Skyline and Pancheri.) Anyway, I went to work feeling lighter than I had in days.

And then at lunch time, came the call. Why am I always in public places when big news comes? I was at Wal-Mart grabbing a few things when our caseworker called. He informed me that the birth mother would give us her answer on Thursday. He said that she felt the need to communicate her choice and reasons directly to us and not through a caseworker, so she was writing it all in a letter which we could pick up on Thursday.

Suddenly I found myself plunged into a heart wrenching reality. My stomach hit the floor and I couldn't stop the tears from starting to flow as I remembered something very key. Even though the Lord wants us to have this child, the birth mother still has agency to choose what happens with this child. I don't remember driving home from the store. But I do remember that by the time I got here I was hyperventilating and shaking. I knew I couldn't return to work in that condition, but I was on the verge of a panic attack and didn't know how to stop it.

There are days when I'm grateful that I can see the temple as it usually helps to ground me and remind me of things I hadn't previously considered. Today as I turned out of our street and caught sight of it, I was blessed to think of my dad. Instantly I turned my car and headed toward his work. I called my mom to tell her where I was headed and she apparently gave daddy the heads up that I was coming, because he was waiting for me and came out to meet me when I pulled into the parking lot. We sat in his office and talked for a long time about things. I won't go into the details, but those who are blessed to claim an acquantaince with my father know that he has a gift for being able to always give very timely counsel, even in emotional and tense situations. In addition he seems to have the ability to exercise a calming influence on nearly any situation. And that is what he did for me today. (He's actually the one who suggested the Bednar Devotional. It's one of his favorites and after reading it tonight, I can see why.) Before I left to return to work, I asked him to give me a blessing, which of course he did. Again, nothing in my situation or circumstances changed but I felt immediately calm and able to handle whatever the outcome of situation might be.

There is only one point from our discussion that I'll highlight, and it's the main point of this entirely too long story. I still have no doubt that the Lord let me know that He wants this little boy to be in our home. I have faith that He knows what choice this birth mother will make. So His blessing to me of letting me have the discovery of earlier, is to serve one of two purposes. If her choice is to let us raise the child, then He was preparing us. Confirming to us in His own way that this was and is His will. On the other hand, should she choose not to place the child with us, then I think maybe that was His way of comforting us. Like His vote of confidence that He believes in us and would trust us with a precious child. And perhaps that will help to make the burden lighter as we move on with our lives.

Thursday will be an interesting day. I'll be leaving work early, stopping at the agency to pick up the letter and then driving to Soda Springs to be with Travis as we open it together. It's odd to think that my entire future hangs right now on a letter being composed by a very young girl. But it does. Either way our lives will be drastically altered. We'll either move foward childless, hoping and praying as always, but perhaps if we're lucky with more patience, knowledge and faith than before. Or we'll be preparing for our lives to be turned upside down so that we can welcome this sweet little boy into our home.

And until Thursday, my only hope is that the Lord will continue to bless me with the strength necessary to bear my burdens with ease.

Now that I've bored you all to pieces and gotten this off my chest, perhaps I shall return to my bed. It is Feburary 13th at 1:20am. I started writing nearly two hours ago. My alarm will be going off in less than four hours, and it would be nice if I could get at least a little bit of sleep between now and then.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your prayers.