The Stuffed Dog Conundrum

Okay so now that you all know the outcome, I figure I'll take the time to relate the story. Because it's me, so you know there's a story.

I woke up yesterday morning and the first thing I noticed was that the sun was shining more brightly than it had in months. In fact, yesterday turned out to be one of the brightest most beautiful days in a long time. A cloudless, stunning blue sky didn't warm it up very much, but it made me smile. My daddy called at 7:00am and the first words out his mouth were, "Are you excited?" I could tell he was excited. I have to admit that although I was still quite nervous, I felt good. Not because I knew what would happen, but because I finally had reached peace somewhere in the sleepless night when I truly felt for the first time that we'd be able to handle the answer whatever it was.

Somehow I stumbled through work, although in retrospect everything yesterday morning seems like a blur. I called our caseworker, Dan (unlike Leisha we have been blessed with a caseworker who is an absolute saint) just to make sure that he had the letter. His conversation made me more nervous than I already was. He said, "Yes, it's here. And when you read it will you please call me. I'm interested to see where she's coming from and I want to know what she's feeling." Instantly my mind went to the negative. "Oh no!" I thought all the way to the agency. "She's not choosing us!"

When I got there, the lady at the desk called Dan to tell her I was there. Her one comment on the phone was, "Oh. That one." She got up and returned accompied by Dan and carrying the largest stuffed dog I've ever seen.

I should back up here and tell you that last Wednesday night when we met this lovely birth mom (who will be referred to hereafter as B) she asked us about pets. We talked about our cat and Travis told her that we've been wanting a puppy and have been keeping our eyes open for the right one. So when I saw this giant dog with a letter tied around it's neck I almost panicked. My first thought was "YAY! A Valentine!" But then I went straight to "Oh no! She's not choosing us and she's trying to soften the blow with this giant dog!" Dan was smiling, but somehow that didn't comfort me. I still had a two hour drive ahead of me to obsess about it. He asked if I was nervous, I responded by telling him that I hadn't eaten or slept in the last 10 days. He laughed a little and said that was normal. He once again asked me to call him once we'd read the letter.

So then I was on my way. I honestly don't remember the drive to Soda Springs. I only know that I got there faster than I'd ever made that drive before. The entire drive my conundrum over the dog and what it could mean occupied my thoughts. I flucuated between elation and devastation more times than I can count. And when I'd peek in the mirror and see it taking up the whole back seat, my heart would stop as I'd remember that my future was tied so innocently around it's neck. In an envelope covered in stickers of cats, dogs and little hearts.

Once I arrived at the home of Trav's aunt and uncle, the wait for him to get home was agonizing. Miraculously, he got out of work early and was home by 4:15. (Good thing too, I don't think I could have taken it much longer.) Travis handed me the envelope to open, but then I started to cry and my fingers were shaking too much, so he took it from me. His face was straight as he read it silently to himself first (despite my loud protestations that he needed to read it outloud.) I only knew the answer when he said, "So I guess this means I don't get my new truck." I think I screamed and practially tore the note from his fingers.

I won't relate the whole letter, because it's personal. But basically she said that she felt we were an amazing couple and that she got a very special feeling about us in the face-to-face meeting. She told us that this was an extremely difficult decision, but she finally feels like she's found the right family for her baby boy.

I've carried that note around with me everywhere since. I slept with it on the nightstand next to me, it's been in my purse or pocket ever since. I think I've got it memorized now, but I still can't seem to stop myself from opening it back up every few minutes and just staring at it. And yes, I cry every time.

Thank you all so much for everything this last week and a half. You probably don't care, but I don't mind telling you that I actually really slept last night. I also realized for the first time in a long time that I was starving, so Trav and I went out to eat and we both ate like we hadn't seen food in a month.

One note of caution, with adoption there's still a long road ahead. So please don't stop praying for B that she'll have the strength to continue to make the best decision for both she and the baby. This is far from a sure thing. So don't give up on us yet.

So now, because you've all been so good, and I know that most of you are dying to know what his name will be, perhaps I'll reward you by telling you. Well, the dog I'm calling Val. Short of course for Valentine because this was the greatest Valentine's Day gift ever. But the baby will be Gideon Daniel. (There's a story behind his middle name too, but I'll save that for another day.) Much Love to all!