Home At Last!

Have you ever had days where you're so emotionally drained that you feel like a sponge which has been wrung out until it's practically dry. Well, that's been me for the last oh, six weeks or so. And the last week especially has been draining.

I don't think I'll ever be able to describe what placement was like. But I'll do my best to give you an idea. Months ago I had posted a picture of the lap quilt I made for our birth mom. Well we took that with us to give to B. We actually got to the agency before B and her family so that we could do some necessary paperwork. I was trembling so much as we were signing that the caseworker actually asked if I was going to be okay. She kept having to remind me to breathe. After B and her family arrived we were taken into the room where she waited with her parents and one of her sisters. I could tell when we walked in that B was already struggling.

We managed to have a pleasant visit, although B didn't really say much unless we asked her a direct question. We took pictures of all of us together. (Maybe someday I'll post those, but for now, that's too private.) A bunch of her friends had thrown a shower for her last week, so they gave us bags upon bags of clothes, blankets and other cute little items. I was on the verge of tears for most of the visit and every now and then one would escape down my cheek.

I started crying in earnest as we gave her the quilt and explained it to her. Then someone asked her family to talk about their dreams for the child and things they'd like us to tell him as he grows. (The tears of course kept coming.) B was crying by this time as well. My heart was just breaking for her. "Why?" I couldn't help but think. "Why does the greatest gift in my life have to be the source of so much pain for someone else?" She got up and walked over and placed him in my arms, but had to turn and run back to her mother. She couldn't manage hugging us at that point. We said our goodbyes and his birth grandparents each kissed him one more time and handed us letters they'd written for him before leaving.

And suddenly we were alone with our son. With this perfect little sleeping baby. The moment they were out of the room Travis said, "Hey hand him over." So that by the time the caseworker came back in to get us Travis was holding him and I was sobbing as I kissed the top of his head. (Thank goodness for waterproof mascara.)

On the drive home I sat in the back seat with him just staring at his perfect little face sticking out of the blankets. It didn't matter that he was nestled comfortably into his car seat. Or that the drive home only takes ten minutes. I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in the front not being able to look at him.

Once at home we were greeted by a welcoming committee of my mom, my sisters Hillary & Jesse, Jesse's husband Kelly and my brother Cody as well as Trav's parents. Naturally for the first two hours we were home he didn't get to lie down or stretch out at all. He just got passed around from one person to the next. (There was even help with dirty diapers.) Not that he seemed to mind. He woke up and looked around and talked a lot. Travis was afraid I was going to blind him by taking so many pictures.

So we changed clothes and tried to acustom ourselves to the idea of parenthood. Right now it still seems very surreal. I've cried a lot. Not in a bad way at all. It's just been an emotional day. Everything has been building to this. And now that it's here I'm so happy I can't stop crying.

And so now we embark on our first sleepless night. May there be many more to follow. Good night.

This is the first time we got to feed him, an hour or so after arriving home. (Travis took him from me right after this picture was taken because he said he wanted to feed him too. It was actually quite cute.)

With Papa Willard (Trav's dad.) This is his first grandson. He was so cute, he didn't want to let anyone else have a turn to hold him. Not even his wife. (She took him away anyway.)

That's Grandma Cindy (my mom) who, of course spent half the afternoon on the phone calling as much of the extended family as she could get hold of.

Not bad considering I'd been crying for about five hours at this point.