Waiting............

The good news is that I'm not panicking as much as before. The bad news is that waiting right now is becoming agony. Most of you don't know the full story about our journey of adoption, and I don't think this is the time or place to get into that right now. (Because it would take hours and hours and hours.) I just have a few thoughts though that I can't seem to get out of my head, so you'll have to bear with me as I let my feelings bubble to the surface once again.

Ever since the fall of 2005 when we discovered that biological children wouldn't be possible for us, we felt that adoption was the natural choice for us. Within days of our doctor's appointment where we recieved the news, we were sitting in an adoption prep class and preparing to begin the journey. Through this process we've never felt bitter or angry about our infertility. It's true, there are some days that I'm sad for the things I might miss out on with regards to carrying our children, but by and large we feel so blessed. Adoption is such a special and spiritual journey and we've actually felt very blessed to be able to take part of it. Not to mention the journey itself has strengthened us as individuals and as a couple. It's blessed us in many ways already, even before our children have joined our family through adoption.

The hardest part about the whole thing for me, has been the waiting. The money spent, the reams of paperwork to fill out, the interviews, the fingerpinting, the background checks, the classes, the home studies, all of that was just mechanics. And I'm good at pushing through those types of things. But once we got our approval it was like, "Oh. What now." Never content to just sit & wait, many of you will remember recieving in the mail a packet of information from us containing, letters, cards and brochures to keep around and hand out as you perhaps had an opportunity. Still even after doing all of that, I wasn't going to sit around and wait. So I started volunteering at LDS Family Services. First, Travis and I taught the Adoption Prep class to couples just beginning or investigating the process. We made some good friends through that process and we've rejoiced when some of those couples have recieved placements. Although, yes, it did seem a little unfair that we'd been waiting so long and these couples got children before we did and they hadn't been waiting as long. It was truly bittersweet I just kept reminding myself that we'd get the children Heavenly Father meant to be in our family.

I was asked last summer to co-facilitate a birth parent support group in our area. It's been an amazing experience and a great journey to get to know many of these sweet birth moms. Some of them even expressed that if they hadn't already chosen a family, they'd choose to place with us. (I was never really sure how to take that. On the one hand it was great to know we were being thought of, but also a little disheartening to be everyone's "runner-up" couple.) But it's been a very positive experience for me, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have such great love and respect for all of these beautiful birth parents. I feel so priviledged to get to work with them. And honestly volunteering is the only thing that made the "waiting" at all bearable.

Still, as the weeks turned into months and the months stretched into years, I couldn't help but wonder when it would finally be our turn to bring home a baby. And it broke my heart that as people all around welcomed more children into their home, that I was still somehow unworthy of motherhood. I've never been one to complain though, because I still feel very blessed. And above all, I know that I can live a happy, blessed and fulfilled life without children (if that indeed was the Lord's plan for us.) I was happy with my life. Content. Always hopeful, but never expectant. Just waiting.

And then you all know the rest of the story. We got a call, we had a meeting, I stressed for a week, the blessed news came and it's been a wild ride ever since.

And now we're back to waiting. Only this time I think it's worse. Everyone who knows me at all knows that I'm a control freak. So imagine how difficult this is for me, to just have to sit and wait, and not to have any control over the situation. To look at the calendar each day and realize he could be here at any time. To know that it's so close and yet, there's still such a long road ahead.

I'm sure this post makes no sense, but my heart is full so I'm just needing to let it out I guess. In a way I feel very grateful that we've only had a few weeks to prepare from the time we found out he was coming. If we'd had months I'm afraid I'd have been even more of a basket case than I already am. Still, this period is turning into the longest five weeks of my life. And I know that five weeks is not that long. Two weeks is nothing. And yet, he's due in just two weeks and it suddenly seems as if that's the longest period of time ever for some reason.

Thanks for all of your support. And thanks for putting up with my crazy ramblings.