I've been meaning to write this for a couple of days now, but it wasn't until last night that it really came to me in a coherent form. Let's hope it still makes as much sense this morning as it did at 1:00am.
Thursday was a banner day for us, not only did Gideon turn three weeks old, but it marked the 11th day that he was in our home. Meaning that Thursday, for the first time I could breathe a little sigh of relief. Not taking anything away from B and not wanting to begrudge her the time she spent with him, there was always this nagging thought in the back of my mind that she had actually spent more time with him than we had. I guess on some level I was slightly afraid that something would happen. That Gideon would suddenly realize that we weren't the family he'd spent the first 10 days of his life with and start acting out (however a newborn acts out. Believe me I worried during those couple of days he was sick.) I don't know if I can explain it, but here was this perfect boy who I love so much that even though we've only had him a few days, I can't stand the thought of living without him. And yet there was the constant reminder that his birth mother had had him longer than I had. So on Thursday, I cried tears of relief. Finally.
But somehow that relief brought on even more conflicting thoughts and emotions. I've been asked over the last couple of weeks, more times than I can count, if I feel sleep deprived yet, if I miss quiet nights and days not spent up to elbows in laundry, diapers and bottles. The truth is, I probably am tired, but I don't really notice it. The middle of the night feedings and the dirty diapers seem a small price to pay to be able to have this precious angel forever. Last night as Gideon ate about 1:00am I realized why it doesn't seem like much of a sacrifice to me. Because I know that out there not so far away is a young girl who would give anything to be the one feeding him at 1:00 am. That there is a young girl who spent 10 days with him and then placed him in my arms knowing full well everything she'd miss out on for the rest of his life. There is a beautiful young girl who I'm sure is still hurting, knowing that we've now been his family for longer than she was.
Enough rambling, I'm crying again. Gideon is starting to fill out quite well. He weighed over 8 lbs at the doctor yesterday, and as you can see from the photos, he's starting to look a little chubby. Especially in the cheeks and chin. (I LOVE IT!)
Check out our adorable new tennis shoes. We are totally stylin'.
He is so alert and focused sometimes that it's almost scary. I keep having to remind myself that he's still a newborn because I swear sometimes he knows exactly what's happening around him.
6 comments:
That is such a sweet post. I am sure that "B" is given much in the way of the gifts of the spirit because she has done something so Christ-like and good as putting her child before her selfish desires and given him to you to care for and raise. I was also thinking that adoption has to be like being a convert to the Church...did you notice on your mission how the converts are more energetic and more excited about the Gospel and sharing it; whereas us seasoned members sometimes seem to take the precious gift for granted...kind of like being parents. I love how much you are enjoying every minute because they do go fast and I find myself wishing that I had been much better about recording my thoughts and feelings about my kids (even though they are still young and I am trying to be better now). I am just amazed by how wonderful watching you go through this experience has been for us! God Bless! We love you guys!
Cali, you are awesome! Little Gideon is so loved! I love this post and the fact that you have an adorable baby! I am so happy for you and Travis! You guys are such good parents! I look up to you so much!
Kamie, I love you right back. I've been praying so hard for you guys lately!
Cali you got me crying too. How great it is that you can remember B and feel for her as you do. I am sure the Lord lets her know she did the right thing but I am also sure she did the hardest thing she has ever or probably will ever have to do. She loved that little guy so much she gave him to you. And just look at those little thighs!
I can completely understand the frustration you were feeling. It makes perfect sense to me.
I loved your post. It brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure that I can't fully grasp what you're going through right now but thank you for giving me a glimps.
Also, B has been on my mind as well. I have thought about how odd it must be for her to just go on through out her daily life with no baby, after carrying him for nine months.
I hope you don't mind my asking but are you guys planning on keeping in touch?
I'm sure it's kind of bitter sweet know your trial is some what ended while hers has just begun. But I hope you don't focus too much on it. She will grow and heal and perhaps one day be married with children of her own. This is YOUR little boy and it doesn't matter how much time he spent with you in the first few days of his life. He'll be with you FOREVER now.
PS If you get a comment from someone named Stephanie, she is a friend of mine. I told her about you and Travis a while ago and she's been following your blog ever since. She adopted a little boy about 5 years ago through the LDS SS and she says it's like she's reliving her story all over again. She said she felt a little odd posting comments because you don't even know her but I told her I'd give you a "heads up".
Wow, it feels like you've had him even longer than 11 days. It seems like you never didn't have him!
I love his new chub! I need to post new pics of The Cubster, he is a total chunk-a-lunk these days!
Yes, being an adoptive parent is such a blessing to me. I hold myself to a higher bar and appreciate parenthood even more than I would have if it had come easier...for exactly the reasons you've mentioned! Someone else sacrificed their body and heart and soul to give me my babies and I refuse to let them down! I just can't and won't ever do it! I'm not a perfect parent, but I do stop and think sometimes (when I'm in the middle of losing my cool) what if their birthmoms could see me now? I'm not a perfect parent, but I think I'm a better parent than I ever would have been before!
P.S. There is also such a high at the beginning of newborness...I didn't feel tired until JUST recently with Cubby and he's 2 months old now. Fortunately, just when you start to feel the exhaustion, they start eating more and sleeping longer!
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