You know I'm not sure I understand some people. Or rather I'm quite sure that some people don't understand me. I thought that once I'd finally been blessed with a child people would finally know how to react to me.
Let me see if I can explain. For years I've heard from people how "lucky" I am, (that's right they said "lucky") not to have to get pregnant and go through all of the inconvenience of pregnancy and the pain of labor and delivery. I realized very early on that these comments weren't really meant for me necessarily. They were always made by women who had children (most of the time several) and they were uncomfortable because they didn't know what to say or how to react to someone who couldn't have what came so easily to them. So they made comments playing up the "down side" of pregnancy to "make me feel better." I've even had men do it. I had one boss who used to say things like, "Well I love my kids, but they are a lot of work. Just enjoy the time you have now. Be glad you don't have them yet because they take a lot out of you."
The truth is I never asked anyone to make me feel better. I don't need anyone to make me feel better. I don't expect anyone to make me feel better. Our infertility is something that I've dealt with for years. I don't talk with people about it to solicit their sympathy or advice. I simply talk about it because it's part of who am I. Part of who we are as a couple. Part of our life. I'm not ashamed of it or afraid of it. But sometimes I get the feeling that other people feel a little guilty about their ability to concieve when they're around me. And so they feel it necessary to make comments about how "lucky" I am that I didn't have nine months of hormones or weight gain. Or about how "easy" it's been for me. I never mean to make people feel guilty. I'm not trying to. Somehow though, it seems that people just react that way anyway. Even though I'm the one who's actually okay with how things are, it's clear that our infertility is an uncomfortable subject for others.
And now we've finally been blessed with our son. This angel of a boy that Heavenly Father sent to our family. And still in between congratulatory responses and remarks on how beautiful he is (thanks, we know!) Some people still somehow seem to think that it's necessary to tell me how "lucky" I am that I didn't have to go through pregnancy and lose my figure. How "easy" it must be to have a newborn and not be tired and worn out and dealing with post pregnancy hormones.
And I've realized that these comments aren't really for me. They're for the person making them. Somehow trying to assuage their own guilt. (Although why they feel guilty about our infertility, I'll never understand.) Because honestly, if they really thought about what they were saying, they'd realize how callous and downright mean it is to tell a person who wants desperately to bring a child into this world but can't, that they're "lucky" that they don't have that ability.
And back me up on this all of my adoptive friends, if one more person says this "Well, you know what's going to happen. I knew this couple that tried and tried for years to get pregnant but they couldn't. So what happened? They adopted one and boom she got pregnant! That's going to happen to you. I can see it now!" I might just throw something. To presume that you know my situation well enough to compare it to your "friends" is a little bit rude, don't you think? I'm thrilled it worked out that way for them. And if it's Heavenly Father's plan that we become a medical marvel and defy a 0% chance, well, that's fantastic. But forgive me if we've prayed about it and arrived at another conclusion regarding our path to parenthood.
But when I look at this perfect angel, it breaks my heart that I was unable to carry him here. To know that the sweet young woman who brought him to earth, now has to live without him brings tears to my eyes. And yet at the same time, I know he's mine. That he was sent for us. And that's all that matters anyway.
13 comments:
You made me think Sis. Read my latest post. I learn so much from you
It does seem a little ridiculous that some of these comments are so "popular" shall I say. Even so I can think of plenty of dumb things I've said to people in other situtations. Oh well. You're right, at least you have Gideon and at least he has a mom and a dad. That truly is what's important.
Can I hear an Amen! So well written Cali. I know it is tough for people to know what to say when they are uncomfortable. I think a nice, "The Lord loves you and has a plan for you and it will work out..." suffices for me.
It hurts my feelings when people think I'm "too fragile" to hear that they are pregnant. Again. I can be happy for them without being sad for me. Or that I somehow don't really know what a joy and blessing children are. As if sleeping in or going to the movies is more fulfilling or enjoyable than parenthood.
I don't presume to know what the path is for each person, whether infertility treatments will work, or adoption or childlessness is what is in store. There IS a plan for everyone.
(i'm glad gideon was in your plan...he is too too cute!)
You are amazing. I am grateful for your insight and thoughts. Thank you for sharing so much of your life, your baby, and your feelings with all of us. It is a blessing to know you and to be a part of your experiences as you share so deeply what you feel. Thank you!!
Well, we haven't commented on Gideon yet, but can we just say that he is absolutely amazing and cute and we are so excited for you and thankful to you for sharing your experiences with us. I don't remember if we have said any of those things to you, but you definitely have a point and I am so grateful for your example of strength and endurance. Whatever Heavenly Father has in store for all of us is definitely for our own benefit in the long run, even if we cannot fathom that now. I am so glad that you are so happy and have the blessing of experiencing motherhood...in my opinion you don't need to feel bad about not carrying Gideon into the world. I feel like Mommies and Daddies earn their names through their love and devotion and not just because they were able to conceive. You've definitely earned it Sister!
Good grief Cali, I've got to stop reading your blog. I just cry everytime I read it. I had no idea you were so gifted in your writing ability. To be able to express how you truly feel is such a gift. You are right, I think it's difficult for some people to know what to say when talking to a couple who can't conceive. Thank you for expressing your feelings on this so well. I have a few friends who aren't able to have children, or who have struggled greatly to get pregnant. I'm sure that all of them have felt or do feel the way you expressed on us fools that say dumb things because we're the ones uncomfortable. Anyway, I really am so happy for you guys.
Thank you for being brave enough to share this. It is so true that people say dumb things when they really arent sure what to say. We have learned that with more than just our infertility.
My other big pet peeve is when people would tell me "it will happen". In refering to getting to be a mother. It would really infuriate me, because they are not God, they do not know. And it seemed so easy for them to say because they all had their children at the drop of a hat.
I really love that first picture. That is how I sit on the couch with McCoy all the time.
So true Cali. BTW it is weird to comment on your blog and type your name out. I feel like I am writing things to my little girl. Anyways People may say that you don't have to deal with post pregnanct hormones but there are post adoption hormones. There is no denying that. Hello how could there not be. It is true that people make comments hoping to make you feel better since they don't know what to say. In all reality no matter what you do to make it not hurt it does. When you have to sacrifice for something there is a different appreciation when you receive it a opposed to "JUST" getting it so to speak. He is your sweet angel and nobody truly knows the heartache and tears it took to have him come to your home. It doesn't matter how a child comes to your home. It is an emotional journey. He is adorable. Soak it all up and enjoy every single second. No excuses for posting a million pictures or not posting at all. How beautiful to have "B" as your and Gideons special angel.
I agree Cali. I know sometimes I take things too personally when I hear some of those comments (I don't like the 'you'll get pregnant after you adopt' comment either). That is something that I am still working on. But our Heavenly Father has a plan for us and we all have our own (be it different) trials to go through. Trials that make us stronger and become our best self.
Thanks for posting this. And of course, your little Gideon is amazing!
Wow. All I can say about all of this is that the Lord gives us situations that (a) will make us grow and (b) we can handle with His help. I know your heart was broken, but you never doubted the Lord had a plan for you. Gideon is your blessing, the son that was waiting for you.
The way you got him does not matter. Going through pregnancy has is challenges, but for whatever reason it was not a challenge the Lord has seen fit for you at this time. He instead helped you grow beyond yourself in helping with and representing LDS Social services, He blessed you with a beautiful baby boy. I am sure He will happily present you with more challenges knowing that you will be faithful through them, in return He will continue to bless you.
If you ever want to chat, vent, just jabber you know where to reach me and Erica.
-John
I get that...
"Well, you know what's going to happen. I knew this couple that tried and tried for years to get pregnant but they couldn't. So what happened? They adopted one and boom she got pregnant! That's going to happen to you. I can see it now!"
...every time I talk about adoption. It is like people can only say that because they don't know what else to say. The other day I had a friend ask me, "why are you adopting instead of doing fertility treatments?" It was pretty weird because we were doing fertility treatments once at the same time and she got pregnant and I didn't...it was so werid for her to say that. Anyway, I had to, again, explain that doctors can't seem to fix my problem and that the Lord has directed us to this path.
I keep hoping that someday, sometime I will be able to avoid the judgments of people and the awkward responses, but it looks like it may not be that easy...sigh.
Well, thank you for your blogs, your baby boy is so adorable...I am excited to see your family grow stronger over time!
Cali, as I would expect you have handled all these things with grace. I am so glad you are able to put your thoughts to print. It helps us all to stop and think. I don't believe I have been so flippant with people in situations that I don't understand but if I have, I am so hoping they forgive me. We all learn from one anothers experiences, if we let ourselves. Thanks for helping me learn from your experiences.
HI I found you through Kamie's blog and I wanted to say what a beautiful little boy you have. I think adoption is one of the most wonderful things. I have a sister in law who gave a baby up for adoption about 18 years ago. I know she made the best choice and has been blessed because of it. I also have a sister who just adopted two little boys from Guatamala. I am one of those who probably has made a stupid comment to someone because I really want to help people feel better.
He is such a beautiful baby and you seem like such good parents. He will love being able to read all of this when he gets older.
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